DDshoeshowz (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} ddshoeshowz) wrote,@ 2008-03-03 19:13:00 |
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That most curious thing called man.
May I make a confession?
Yes, I fully realize that this is my personal journal, but I still find apprehensiveness with this subject; perhaps it is best that I write it all out. I didn't even realize that I felt in such a way until I opened this up. Just a musing, but perhaps now I'll finally be using this thing for what it was meant for: a journal/diary of sorts. (I apologize to any who may read if this comes off as a tad convoluted and/or vague. I'm not one known well for lucidity most especially when outrightly venting my thoughts.)
Anyway, the male sex for me in general has always been a most removed topic for me. First off, I'm straight. I know I'm straight .Puberty has definitely let me know enough for me to be 100% sure that is true. Sure, there's always been a little questioning then and now, but who hasn't? That, however, is not really the concern. The concern for me lies entirely within the realm of dating.
You see, I come off as "non-threatening." I know that I'm this way with most people; I can't help it being a romanticist and all (even if I do try and rationalize everything and anything that comes my way). It's just that, generally, I like people. Due to this, I don't share many of the fatalistic views that an overwhelming majority of teenagers at my age do. What they feel is normal, yes, I just feel differently. Whereas many may have felt and certainly do say that life is a waste/they're not good enough/constantly putting themselves and others down whether intentional or not, I can not subscribe to such theories. I try to see up where others see down. It makes me sad, to say the least, when my peers/friends/family/ others put themselves at a disadvantage (even jokingly) and truly believe the negative things they are saying. It's due to this, I believe as well, that I feel a sense of removal from the social scene entirely.
Also, I don't want to go into this too much, but I have struggled through some intense emotional grappling - as does everyone else at some point in their lives. But I've walked away from it with a greater appreciation for those feelings; I don't want to repress them - just enjoy them. It's a "live-in-the-moment" philosophy if you will.
Now, when I say removal - I'm not referring to any sort of withdrawal from others. I talk: in fact, I LOVE to talk to to others and I find being in groups with others relaxing. But I've only come to enjoy the company of others so much after forcing myself to feel that I don't have to have an obligation to be with them. It's not about the numbers, folks. There is too an art to being alone. I feel many people have forgotten that and fall into loneliness. The two are not mutually exclusive. That realization, however, took me quite a while to come to terms with and truly be at peace with. But, now that I'm on the other side, I really never want to go back.
All of the above ^ exposition has to be laid out (as seemingly extraneous and ranty as it is) to understand why/how this issue (which will soon be laid out) is bothering me so.
As I mentioned before, this "removal" from conventional social strife has also caused me to not participate in the "boy scene". I've stayed away from it mainly because I know that I would have used men in general to fill some gaps in my life that I otherwise could have filled in a positive way. Basically, I'm confessing that I know myself well enough to not put it past myself to have had become dependent/needy on other guys in order to stay away from myself. (As I stated before, as much a romanticist as I am - I have had some trouble with facing emotions. I didn't understand them and thus came to fear them. But I have reached different conclusions now - although as they say the journey never ends). Now, however, I feel ready to jump into that "scene". I know what I want and I know the kind of guy whom I'm looking for. The only problem is I don't see him out there.
Now, again, I had stated that I'm pretty non-threatening. That seems to attract a lot of needy guys. Guys who are emotionally unstable. I know that not everyone is as stable as I would like for them to be - I really don't have any terribly high expectations. I just...don't want to get involved in that right now. I want someone who is as strong as I am emotionally (and he better be physically too if he's going to keep up with me. Hehehe) Unfortunately, however, the only guys that I am getting seem to be of the former type.
This makes me more than a bit apprehensive about the whole thing. I don't want to fall into something just because I feel obligated. I don't want to do this because society tells me.
No - not even society - it's my family. Not my sister, we both understand very well how we feel on this issue. We seem to understand each other very well on just about everything; I guess that's what happens when you're a twin. It's really just my mom. And I know that she's had issues with partners too (not at all abusive - oh god that would be quite terrible. No, it's more of me just realizing that she has little sense of self and relies on others to make herself feel good about what she does. Not that she isn't a strong woman - it is just that her want for me so badly to hook up is apparent of a need in her that hasn't been fully realized or filled by the men of her past).
I don't hate the guys that are interested as well - I just am not terribly interested. Even though I know that I'm ready, I know my sexuality, I don't want to get involved sexually. All the guys that I know - they're all friends. And I really like those relationships a lot more than the romantic ones that have been/are brewing right now.
Basically, my conundrum is that I'm ready to start dating, I know this - yet I'm not interested in a sexual aspect. It's quite difficult to explain but I suppose that I'm basically ready for a deep emotional attachment to a person of the opposite sex (one that is ready to face the trials of the world but not above changing diapers and all that fun. (Although I'm really not too keen on the whole kid idea - but that's another rant entirely))I am, however, not interested in the kissing and hand-holding that would inevitably lead to groping and hand-jobs.
Not that I have anything against sex. I love sex. Yes, I'll admit it without a smile on my face or one of those "knowing glances". No, sex is a great thing and I'm actually upset that America the great has no open public forum to discuss the topic but, again, that is another rant for another day.
I'm sure I could go on this forever but I think (ie hope) you've got the idea. Any suggestions, really, really would be appreciated.
Also, I just bought/read/finished Uncle Scrooge: A Little Something Special. All I need to say is Glomgold = Awesome.
May I make a confession?
Yes, I fully realize that this is my personal journal, but I still find apprehensiveness with this subject; perhaps it is best that I write it all out. I didn't even realize that I felt in such a way until I opened this up. Just a musing, but perhaps now I'll finally be using this thing for what it was meant for: a journal/diary of sorts. (I apologize to any who may read if this comes off as a tad convoluted and/or vague. I'm not one known well for lucidity most especially when outrightly venting my thoughts.)
Anyway, the male sex for me in general has always been a most removed topic for me. First off, I'm straight. I know I'm straight .Puberty has definitely let me know enough for me to be 100% sure that is true. Sure, there's always been a little questioning then and now, but who hasn't? That, however, is not really the concern. The concern for me lies entirely within the realm of dating.
You see, I come off as "non-threatening." I know that I'm this way with most people; I can't help it being a romanticist and all (even if I do try and rationalize everything and anything that comes my way). It's just that, generally, I like people. Due to this, I don't share many of the fatalistic views that an overwhelming majority of teenagers at my age do. What they feel is normal, yes, I just feel differently. Whereas many may have felt and certainly do say that life is a waste/they're not good enough/constantly putting themselves and others down whether intentional or not, I can not subscribe to such theories. I try to see up where others see down. It makes me sad, to say the least, when my peers/friends/family/ others put themselves at a disadvantage (even jokingly) and truly believe the negative things they are saying. It's due to this, I believe as well, that I feel a sense of removal from the social scene entirely.
Also, I don't want to go into this too much, but I have struggled through some intense emotional grappling - as does everyone else at some point in their lives. But I've walked away from it with a greater appreciation for those feelings; I don't want to repress them - just enjoy them. It's a "live-in-the-moment" philosophy if you will.
Now, when I say removal - I'm not referring to any sort of withdrawal from others. I talk: in fact, I LOVE to talk to to others and I find being in groups with others relaxing. But I've only come to enjoy the company of others so much after forcing myself to feel that I don't have to have an obligation to be with them. It's not about the numbers, folks. There is too an art to being alone. I feel many people have forgotten that and fall into loneliness. The two are not mutually exclusive. That realization, however, took me quite a while to come to terms with and truly be at peace with. But, now that I'm on the other side, I really never want to go back.
All of the above ^ exposition has to be laid out (as seemingly extraneous and ranty as it is) to understand why/how this issue (which will soon be laid out) is bothering me so.
As I mentioned before, this "removal" from conventional social strife has also caused me to not participate in the "boy scene". I've stayed away from it mainly because I know that I would have used men in general to fill some gaps in my life that I otherwise could have filled in a positive way. Basically, I'm confessing that I know myself well enough to not put it past myself to have had become dependent/needy on other guys in order to stay away from myself. (As I stated before, as much a romanticist as I am - I have had some trouble with facing emotions. I didn't understand them and thus came to fear them. But I have reached different conclusions now - although as they say the journey never ends). Now, however, I feel ready to jump into that "scene". I know what I want and I know the kind of guy whom I'm looking for. The only problem is I don't see him out there.
Now, again, I had stated that I'm pretty non-threatening. That seems to attract a lot of needy guys. Guys who are emotionally unstable. I know that not everyone is as stable as I would like for them to be - I really don't have any terribly high expectations. I just...don't want to get involved in that right now. I want someone who is as strong as I am emotionally (and he better be physically too if he's going to keep up with me. Hehehe) Unfortunately, however, the only guys that I am getting seem to be of the former type.
This makes me more than a bit apprehensive about the whole thing. I don't want to fall into something just because I feel obligated. I don't want to do this because society tells me.
No - not even society - it's my family. Not my sister, we both understand very well how we feel on this issue. We seem to understand each other very well on just about everything; I guess that's what happens when you're a twin. It's really just my mom. And I know that she's had issues with partners too (not at all abusive - oh god that would be quite terrible. No, it's more of me just realizing that she has little sense of self and relies on others to make herself feel good about what she does. Not that she isn't a strong woman - it is just that her want for me so badly to hook up is apparent of a need in her that hasn't been fully realized or filled by the men of her past).
I don't hate the guys that are interested as well - I just am not terribly interested. Even though I know that I'm ready, I know my sexuality, I don't want to get involved sexually. All the guys that I know - they're all friends. And I really like those relationships a lot more than the romantic ones that have been/are brewing right now.
Basically, my conundrum is that I'm ready to start dating, I know this - yet I'm not interested in a sexual aspect. It's quite difficult to explain but I suppose that I'm basically ready for a deep emotional attachment to a person of the opposite sex (one that is ready to face the trials of the world but not above changing diapers and all that fun. (Although I'm really not too keen on the whole kid idea - but that's another rant entirely))I am, however, not interested in the kissing and hand-holding that would inevitably lead to groping and hand-jobs.
Not that I have anything against sex. I love sex. Yes, I'll admit it without a smile on my face or one of those "knowing glances". No, sex is a great thing and I'm actually upset that America the great has no open public forum to discuss the topic but, again, that is another rant for another day.
I'm sure I could go on this forever but I think (ie hope) you've got the idea. Any suggestions, really, really would be appreciated.
Also, I just bought/read/finished Uncle Scrooge: A Little Something Special. All I need to say is Glomgold = Awesome.
